His Lips Brushed Mine and My Heart Was Healed
I attended a wedding this weekend as a guest. It was strange to be sitting with family and friends, watching the event unfold without my camera. I have lost count of the number of weddings I have photographed. They far outweigh the number where I have been a guest or part of the wedding party. I could go back and look. I have programs from them all. But that isn’t the point. The point is what happens to my heart.
When I photograph a wedding, I become part of their story. I meet them months before the big day. I often have the privilege of photographing their engaged hearts. I see their desires for life together. By the time the wedding day has arrived, I have learned so much about them and their families, I feel like I have known them forever. I share their emotions for the day… love, laughter, fear, joy, anticipation, tears… I am so intimate with a bride and groom that I know their hearts. I ache with them as they remember those who couldn’t be with them for their perfect day. I celebrate the union of two families. We dance. I know from across the room if something needs to be different. I know when she needs a break from the family. I know how many pictures I have left to take before he bags it. I am part of the chaos leading up to the guests arriving. I become part of their family, if only for a day. Through my lens I capture the first day of their life together as husband and wife. I have a view from the window to their souls.
After countless hours, I say my goodbyes. Hugs are exchanged. I drive home remembering the day. My heart aches for new love. Not ‘a’ new love, but the new love that I once had with my husband. It happens every time. With each exchange of vows and rings, my heart longs to be known. To be cherished. To be noticed. To be ached over. To be fought for. I want to be seen. When I arrive home, I want to share the photos with Aaron. It is two-fold. Yes, I want him to see my work, but I also want him to see what we have misplaced. I want to be looked at that way again. I want to build a fire in our souls that never dies. I want him to fall in love with me… again.
It is different when I am a guest. I feel rushed. I hurry to my seat. Look around to see who all I know. Exchange courteous greetings. (Ok – I must admit, I wonder if the photographer has taken care of this couple the way I would have – there are some pangs of jealousy - so that is a bit distracting) I watch the bride make her entrance. The groom is in awe. His eyes never leave her. Even when the pastor is speaking or praying – he is enamored with her, drunk with her beauty. Tears fall from my eyes for what they have and what seems to elude me.
The strangest part however, was sitting there with Aaron. Wedding after wedding I have longed for him to be there with me. Now he finally is and I am nervous. Will he see what I see? Will he hear God speak to him the way I hear Him speak to my heart? Will God reveal to my husband my desires? My courage builds. I lean over and whisper to Aaron, “This makes me sad”. A question lingers in his expression. Later, they dance. I answer the question that I hope hangs in Aaron’s heart. “I want you to look at me the way he looks at her.” We enjoy dinner and the music starts.
He asks me to dance, takes my hand and we move to the dance floor. I feel his hand on the small of my back. His lips brush mine and stay for moment. My heart races, my belly is in knots. I feel drunk, yet I haven’t a drink. We laugh and kiss some more. I haven’t felt this happy in… I can’t remember when. I am in love. There is a sparkle in his eyes. He sees me. He loves me. I thank God for this man, for showing us each other again.
We fall into bed exhausted from the emotions of the evening. We kiss again, more passionately than before. We are thankful for the reminder. We are one. We will be for the rest of our days. I know that in my heart.
Blips or Depth
I told a friend that I was enjoying her Blog yesterday. And she comes back with... "Do you blog?" Ummmmmm... yea/nooo.... It has been over a year since I have written. And I only wrote a handful of times when I created this blog. I get distracted easily. I very much enjoy writing. I just don't seem to find the time. Oh - but I have the time for Facebook. I get sucked into the blips of my life instead of the depth. So I will start today, again. I will go deeper.
I wrote on my facebook page last night that I was fried. Why? a friend asked. What is going on? I "blip" back... just life... this too shall pass... I think that facebook has stolen my artist heart. It is so easy to be coy or funny or flip in a one liner. I never need to let anyone in. I can maintain the walls that have built up around my heart. I can "blip" my way through my life. I can keep everyone at arms length, all the while my heart is screaming for someone to know me. But how can they know me if I am nothing more than a one liner? How can I be held accountable for the life that I desire to lead?
Oh it is aparant as I read this that I haven't written in a LONG time - scattered are my thoughts...
So the question begs... Why am I fried? Well, here it goes... risking it all... puting it on the line... speaking the truth that I know but don't really want to admit out loud or in writing for sure!
I am over-loaded. I have too much on my plate. Even as I write this my thoughts keep straying to the other things that seem more important than the truth that is weighing me down...
The blips of my life...
- Married for almost 16 years to Aaron.
- Have four kids (High School, Middle School, Elementary School, and Preschool - four different schools, three different buses.)
- I don't work "outside the home".
- Have a farm with horses - five of my own and three more that live here.
- We bale our own hay - twice a year.
- Teach seven riding lessons a week - all but one between the hours of 4-8pm
- 4-H Leader (volunteering countless hours each month).
- Photographer (Shoot around 3-4 weddings and 10-50 family, senior, engagement each year and am the designated photographer for all family events, church events, horse events by default of knowing how to use a camera and bringing it with me...).
- Kidzone volunteer in the Tots room at least once a month.
- Couples life group every week (maybe the only way to date my husband right now).
- Have 7 extra children (five that come before school and three that come after school - every school day).
- Run kids to and from their activities for church and school.
- Scrapbook when I can.
The consequences...
- I never get caught up on laundry or house work.
- I don't get enough sleep.
- I am exhausted.
- I don't seem build or maintain my friendships.
- I forget important stuff.
- I often neglect my husband and kids.
- I don't do enough for me.
- I am quick to anger, quick to yell.
- I fail to make dinner on a regular basis.
- I am behind in my scrapbooks.
- The list just contiunes to grow scream in my head...
So what to do with this knowledge? Well that is simple you might say. Let something go. Don't say yes so often. Quit something. Easier said that done my friends... and here is where the water gets deep... where my soul is revealed... where the blips of my life become the depths of my life.
Growing in Faith
After years of struggling with our faith, struggling with what we knew to be right and what we were doing about it, we found our church home, Impact, in March 2005. On May 28, 2006 Becka and I shared the experience of being baptized. We “took the dive” in the Flat River at Fallasburg Park. I have never felt so close to God as I did that day. As I continued to grow in my walk with God, my children and Aaron did as well. Noah was baptized on September 22, 2007 and Aaron surprised us all and was baptized on November 4, 2007! Our marriage is stronger, our family is closer. God has truly worked miracles in our lives. I love that our whole family is growing in our faith. We are learning more and more about God’s word and to be more like Jesus every day. Part of the constant growth is taking the kids to as many youth group activities as we can and to stay active in life groups. I need and desire that connection and "booster shot" midway through the week.
Barn time…
The barn has forever been my place of sanctuary. Cleaning stalls and grooming is my way to burn off anger, frustration, or cabin fever and where I just go to enjoy the world. I love to get up in the morning, throw on my mucker boots and run down the hill to the barn and feed, while still in my jammies. Watching my horses out my kitchen window. My kids can to go to the barn when they want to. Acres of green grass fenced in white. Driving a tractor in circles around the field to later breath in the fresh smell of a newly filled hay loft. The look of a just swept barn floor. Being covered in “horse”.
Photography…
I can take my own kid’s pictures as many times a year or month that I want and do it with out having to make an appointment. I want pictures of my kids hanging all over the house that change with the seasons like the décor. I love taking photos for others. The chaos of a family trying to get “in order” and keep the kids still, the bride and groom with so much love and hope in their eyes for the future, the swelling belly of a mother-to-be, and the unconditional love that pours over that tiny life she brought into this world. Knowing that because I had my camera with me, there are last photos of a precious life. I see all the good parts of life through my camera lens.
4H and teaching lessons…
I am able to combine my passion for horses, my love for children, and my teaching and mentoring abilities to create a perfect harmony. I am overwhelmed with pride when my kids do well at fair. When what I taught them makes a difference. When all we worked so hard for during the year comes together just as we hoped. Watching a child’s face light up when the suddenly understand what I have taught them. Watching a horse and rider become one for the first time. Hearing a small voice exclaim “I feel like I’m flying!” while arms are stretched out and eyes are closed. Teaching a child that there is more to riding than just showing up for the lesson. Knowing that with out me, these things may not have been possible. Being the highlight of a child's week.
And when the depths of my soul are revealed, I know where I need to be...
Family time…
Our family of SIX piled on the couch for “Family Movie Night”. Sitting around the dinner table hearing about their day at school. Spending our “vacation” at fair with our kids. Carving pumpkins, decorating the Christmas tree, coloring Easter eggs… Sunday dinners with Mom and Dad, all the brothers and sisters, their kids and mine. Twelve different conversations going on over one big meal. Laughter that fills a home. Love that pours from all of us. Making a commitment not to let the family grow apart as we grow in numbers and spread out over the miles. I would love to have Thanksgiving dinner every weekend – maybe not the turkey, but the family. Going home so full that even the grown-ups need a nap. Giggling late into the night with my sister. Monday morning coffee with my dad. Finally having Christmas as a WHOLE family again.
Best Friends
Re-connecting with life-long friends. Brewing a pot of coffee just because a friend pops in. When no matter how much time has passed, no time has passed. Sharing joys, sorrows, laughter, fear… Laughing until you cry. Crying until you laugh. Knowing that no matter what, she is there for me – any time. Not mattering that your adult lives have taken different paths. No number of miles or days can separate. Knowing the exact number of days until you leave on your trip. Reaching for a hand when you fall and knowing that it will be there. The truth will always be told – no matter how ugly.
Weekends away…
Going away for the weekend gives me the much-needed break from my family and I come home totally refreshed. I come home a better mom, a better wife, a better me. I can stay up late, sleep in, stay in my jammies all weekend long, eat Oreo’s at 9:00 in the morning simply because I can. I get to be me for 48 hours. I get to choose for 48 hours.
Scrapbooking…
Staying current with my albums gives me a sense of accomplishment. I can go to bed and know that if I don’t wake up, my children will know through their album pages how much I loved them. I took the time to write down my stories as well as theirs. I honor them in their own special book about them. I honor our family in our own books.
Vacations…
Moments in life when you get to pretend you are a different person, when you can let go of the monotony of real life. Visit places that you see in the movies and read about in books. Of course, Disney – where dreams really do come true and it did all start with a mouse! Marking off the days until you leave!
All the little things…
Cheering on my high school football game under the lights with a cup of hot chocolate, mittens, and earmuffs. Walking barefoot on the beach holding hands and feeling the warm sand on my feet and the breeze on my cheeks as the surf washes away my footprints. Snuggling under a blanket counting the stars. Enjoying a good book and a cup of coffee on the porch swing. Watching my kids play. Hearing their laughter that knows no worries. Fishing just before dawn. Digging in the sand. Trudging through the snow for the perfect Christmas tree. Wine and candles. Making love all night long. Napping all day. All the kids piled in bed on Saturday morning. Family reunions filled with stories of days gone by.
So there you have it. A deeper look into my life. Some of the reasons that I must press on. What keeps me going. What breathes life into me.
SSS - School Supply Shopping!!!
14 days and counting... School will be starting in exactly two weeks - so of course we need school supplies. To the tune of $115 and counting. Today, the first $115 brought us home with a backpack for 2nd grade, a fancy enclosed binder w/ zipper pockets for 8th grade (so we don't lose another calculator), a new caclulator for 5th grade, an assortment of folders, paper, pencils, pens, crayons, colored pencils, erasers, glue, glue sticks, dry erase markers, sticky notes... I think that I just bought out Meijer! And we have only just begun! (Wait a minute - didn't the Carpenters say that?) Any way - we seriously have to still purchase the BIG calculator - it does everything! Basic math, Algebra, Trig, Calc, Science, Chemistry, and I bet that we could get it to tie her shoes! Seriously - all that for a mere $134.99!!! What a steal of a deal! I do believe that Aaron is busy bidding on EBay as we speak - hoping to find said calculator for under $100...
I'm back
Been a LONG time since I've been here - so much going on with life. Fair was so fun. It's always a bitter-sweet ending. Glad to be going home to my own bed, but sad to be leaving for another year. Plans are already in the works for Fair 2009 - crazy - it takes 11 months to plan one week... Kind of like planning for your wedding - a year for a day...
Photographed a wedding yesterday - such a beautiful couple - I love the "newlywed gaze". There is so much hope, love, and life in one look. I love to see a couple get lost in each other. What fun!
sounds of growth
Aaron took a vacation day today to work on the barn - he and his buddy are putting up the loft so we can move the hay up and build the tack and feed rooms and the wash rack - All morning I've been hearing the bobcat moving lumber, the saw, air nailer, hammers. We have been sitting with a "livable" barn for over a year - Now we finally are moving forward and starting to add some of the ammenities that make the barn special - not just livable - oh did I mention that all this welcomes a BATHROOM!!! I can't wait to orgainze tackrooms!
ahhh... the sounds of growth!
Lead On!
I don't believe that I have a right to complain about my terribly insignificant problems any more. Not that I ever did have a right - It's just that when you are living in your own world - they seem so much bigger.
Recently - I have tried to live with my eyes more open - aware of more around me (hard with four kids) I finished a Beth Moore study - Daniel- living lives of integrity. Integrity! Who would have thunk it! It really changed my thinking and approach to life. Living my life for me has NOT worked - I need to live my life for God.
A friend of ours was injured severely in a swimming accident about two weeks ago. He is in Florida, away from his children, waiting for a lift home (which hopefully is happening today). He can not move his arms and legs (very little in his hands). Yet through this all - his faith has not waivered. He BELIEVES that God will provide him with all he needs. Even after the first flight home was scheduled and then later denied - he still new that God had it under control. And he does! I want that kind of unwaivering faith.
Why does it take such a terrible event to snap us back into reality that we NEVER were in control - and trying to live our lives one step ahead of God will only bring us further away from where we think we need to be - So - I'm letting God take the wheel in my life - in all ways. I can't wait to see where He leads me!
bees
So while I was at a meeting last night, my hubby was spraying round-up around the new trees we planted and came across a swarm of bees - not a hive like we see on the house, but a swarm of so many you couldn't see the trunk of the tree. There were bees at least six inches thick on the trunk where the branches begin to grow. He called a bee keeper who came right away with a small hive box and litterally had to scoop them into the hive. She normally would pick off the queen and place her in the box and let the others follow - but there were so many she couldn't find her without removing the workers first. After she found the queen and placed her in the hive - the others litterally began marching down the tree trunk and into the hive. She told Aaron that there were between 10 and 15 THOUSAND bees. They apparantly landed there for a rest - My dad figures that when the bees were removed from the nearby orchards a week ago - some were left behind to find a new home - I'm so glad he took pictures!
