My Life, My Heart, My Soul

Blips or Depth

I told a friend that I was enjoying her Blog yesterday. And she comes back with... "Do you blog?" Ummmmmm... yea/nooo.... It has been over a year since I have written. And I only wrote a handful of times when I created this blog. I get distracted easily. I very much enjoy writing. I just don't seem to find the time. Oh - but I have the time for Facebook. I get sucked into the blips of my life instead of the depth. So I will start today, again. I will go deeper.

I wrote on my facebook page last night that I was fried. Why? a friend asked. What is going on? I "blip" back... just life... this too shall pass... I think that facebook has stolen my artist heart. It is so easy to be coy or funny or flip in a one liner. I never need to let anyone in. I can maintain the walls that have built up around my heart. I can "blip" my way through my life. I can keep everyone at arms length, all the while my heart is screaming for someone to know me. But how can they know me if I am nothing more than a one liner? How can I be held accountable for the life that I desire to lead?

Oh it is aparant as I read this that I haven't written in a LONG time - scattered are my thoughts...

So the question begs... Why am I fried? Well, here it goes... risking it all... puting it on the line... speaking the truth that I know but don't really want to admit out loud or in writing for sure!

I am over-loaded. I have too much on my plate. Even as I write this my thoughts keep straying to the other things that seem more important than the truth that is weighing me down...

The blips of my life...

• Married for almost 16 years to Aaron.
• Have four kids (High School, Middle School, Elementary School, and Preschool - four different schools, three different buses.)
• I don't work "outside the home".
• Have a farm with horses - five of my own and three more that live here.
• We bale our own hay - twice a year.
• Teach seven riding lessons a week - all but one between the hours of 4-8pm
• 4-H Leader (volunteering countless hours each month).
• Photographer (Shoot around 3-4 weddings and 10-50 family, senior, engagement each year and am the designated photographer for all family events, church events, horse events by default of knowing how to use a camera and bringing it with me...).
• Kidzone volunteer in the Tots room at least once a month.
• Couples life group every week (maybe the only way to date my husband right now).
• Have 7 extra children (five that come before school and three that come after school - every school day).
• Run kids to and from their activities for church and school.
• Scrapbook when I can.

The consequences...

• I never get caught up on laundry or house work.
• I don't get enough sleep.
• I am exhausted.
• I don't seem build or maintain my friendships.
• I forget important stuff.
• I often neglect my husband and kids.
• I don't do enough for me.
• I am quick to anger, quick to yell.
• I fail to make dinner on a regular basis.
• I am behind in my scrapbooks.
• The list just contiunes to grow scream in my head...

So what to do with this knowledge? Well that is simple you might say. Let something go. Don't say yes so often. Quit something. Easier said that done my friends... and here is where the water gets deep... where my soul is revealed... where the blips of my life become the depths of my life.

Growing in Faith
After years of struggling with our faith, struggling with what we knew to be right and what we were doing about it, we found our church home, Impact, in March 2005. On May 28, 2006 Becka and I shared the experience of being baptized. We “took the dive” in the Flat River at Fallasburg Park. I have never felt so close to God as I did that day. As I continued to grow in my walk with God, my children and Aaron did as well. Noah was baptized on September 22, 2007 and Aaron surprised us all and was baptized on November 4, 2007! Our marriage is stronger, our family is closer. God has truly worked miracles in our lives. I love that our whole family is growing in our faith. We are learning more and more about God’s word and to be more like Jesus every day. Part of the constant growth is taking the kids to as many youth group activities as we can and to stay active in life groups. I need and desire that connection and "booster shot" midway through the week.

Barn time…
The barn has forever been my place of sanctuary. Cleaning stalls and grooming is my way to burn off anger, frustration, or cabin fever and where I just go to enjoy the world. I love to get up in the morning, throw on my mucker boots and run down the hill to the barn and feed, while still in my jammies. Watching my horses out my kitchen window. My kids can to go to the barn when they want to. Acres of green grass fenced in white. Driving a tractor in circles around the field to later breath in the fresh smell of a newly filled hay loft. The look of a just swept barn floor. Being covered in “horse”.

Photography…
I can take my own kid’s pictures as many times a year or month that I want and do it with out having to make an appointment. I want pictures of my kids hanging all over the house that change with the seasons like the décor. I love taking photos for others. The chaos of a family trying to get “in order” and keep the kids still, the bride and groom with so much love and hope in their eyes for the future, the swelling belly of a mother-to-be, and the unconditional love that pours over that tiny life she brought into this world. Knowing that because I had my camera with me, there are last photos of a precious life. I see all the good parts of life through my camera lens.

4H and teaching lessons…
I am able to combine my passion for horses, my love for children, and my teaching and mentoring abilities to create a perfect harmony. I am overwhelmed with pride when my kids do well at fair. When what I taught them makes a difference. When all we worked so hard for during the year comes together just as we hoped. Watching a child’s face light up when the suddenly understand what I have taught them. Watching a horse and rider become one for the first time. Hearing a small voice exclaim “I feel like I’m flying!” while arms are stretched out and eyes are closed. Teaching a child that there is more to riding than just showing up for the lesson. Knowing that with out me, these things may not have been possible. Being the highlight of a child's week.

And when the depths of my soul are revealed, I know where I need to be...

Family time…
Our family of SIX piled on the couch for “Family Movie Night”. Sitting around the dinner table hearing about their day at school. Spending our “vacation” at fair with our kids. Carving pumpkins, decorating the Christmas tree, coloring Easter eggs… Sunday dinners with Mom and Dad, all the brothers and sisters, their kids and mine. Twelve different conversations going on over one big meal. Laughter that fills a home. Love that pours from all of us. Making a commitment not to let the family grow apart as we grow in numbers and spread out over the miles. I would love to have Thanksgiving dinner every weekend – maybe not the turkey, but the family. Going home so full that even the grown-ups need a nap. Giggling late into the night with my sister. Monday morning coffee with my dad. Finally having Christmas as a WHOLE family again.

Best Friends
Re-connecting with life-long friends. Brewing a pot of coffee just because a friend pops in. When no matter how much time has passed, no time has passed. Sharing joys, sorrows, laughter, fear… Laughing until you cry. Crying until you laugh. Knowing that no matter what, she is there for me – any time. Not mattering that your adult lives have taken different paths. No number of miles or days can separate. Knowing the exact number of days until you leave on your trip. Reaching for a hand when you fall and knowing that it will be there. The truth will always be told – no matter how ugly.

Weekends away…
Going away for the weekend gives me the much-needed break from my family and I come home totally refreshed. I come home a better mom, a better wife, a better me. I can stay up late, sleep in, stay in my jammies all weekend long, eat Oreo’s at 9:00 in the morning simply because I can. I get to be me for 48 hours. I get to choose for 48 hours.

Scrapbooking…
Staying current with my albums gives me a sense of accomplishment. I can go to bed and know that if I don’t wake up, my children will know through their album pages how much I loved them. I took the time to write down my stories as well as theirs. I honor them in their own special book about them. I honor our family in our own books.

Vacations…
Moments in life when you get to pretend you are a different person, when you can let go of the monotony of real life. Visit places that you see in the movies and read about in books. Of course, Disney – where dreams really do come true and it did all start with a mouse! Marking off the days until you leave!

All the little things…
Cheering on my high school football game under the lights with a cup of hot chocolate, mittens, and earmuffs. Walking barefoot on the beach holding hands and feeling the warm sand on my feet and the breeze on my cheeks as the surf washes away my footprints. Snuggling under a blanket counting the stars. Enjoying a good book and a cup of coffee on the porch swing. Watching my kids play. Hearing their laughter that knows no worries. Fishing just before dawn. Digging in the sand. Trudging through the snow for the perfect Christmas tree. Wine and candles. Making love all night long. Napping all day. All the kids piled in bed on Saturday morning. Family reunions filled with stories of days gone by.

So there you have it. A deeper look into my life. Some of the reasons that I must press on. What keeps me going. What breathes life into me.

posted by barb @ 7:53 AM 1 Comments